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Even Back-Stabbing Nazi Colonels Need Mary-Sue Love, Right? 
31st-Aug-2009 11:30 pm [inglourious basterds]
please kill me
***UPDATED***

When I saw Tarantino's new film Inglourious Basterds on the day of its release, I have to say, I loved it. I wondered just where Christoph Waltz had been hiding all these years (later finding out that he's been hiding out in German-speaking TV-land). It didn't occur to me until recently that Landa was just such a great villain that every girl who'd seen the film were going to start fangirling over him. I guess I didn't think it was possible. Browsing through FanFiction.net, I saw that Inglourious Basterds now had a new section on the website and with that morbid curiosity we all seem to share I clicked the link... and found two mediocre fics about Lt. Aldo Raine. The next day, those fics had multiplied and the result was two fics that read in their summaries 'Landa/OC'. I literally screamed.

Today, I began reading the weirdest one - The Country Road, which is about an OC named Ada Von Braun who happens to be a Nazi supporter.


The disclaimer is not promising. It reads:

He needs someone to love even though he's a bad guy. Enough said.
Erm... I saw this film; Landa only cares about himself. I don't think a woman is going to change that, no matter how helpless she is. I mean, it's not like he wanted to marry Shosanna or anything...

Blood was tangled in my hair turning it dark and red as opposed to it’s natural shade of light brown. Is it just me or is that some really weird wording? 'Tangled'? Like strings of blood? Some of the blood was my own; some of it belonged to others. My eyes felt tired and only remained half open during my trek down the sun-beaten country road. Sweat gathered along my jaw line and upon my chest which at the time was more exposed than to my liking.
I like that instead of being traumatised about her predicament here, she's worried about her by-now glistening chest being exposed to a lonely country road.

The blood and dirt was also splattered down my legs. Some of the blood dried in a stream on my inner thighs, having flown from a more private disclosure.
Once again, it is just me or does the wording here look really awkward? And am I the only one imagining giant red flying blood cells? Like... in a plane?

Then she talks about a gang of Jews (not the Basterds) capturing her, beating her, raping her, keeping her prisoner and feeding her scraps. =/

I had been walking now for three days and the French countryside remained wild and uncivilized.
And again, instead of feeling scared and hopeless about what happened to her she's more concerned about the "wild and uncivilised" countryside.

But now I want revenge. I want to get those bastards back for what they did to me. I wanted them dead before they could find me again. They said they would.
So... your Jewish kidnappers let you go... so they could find you again? Are you sure they didn't just want to play hide-and-seek?

Then some Nazi military vehicles come into view. She gets excited that there might be some hope.

What if they didn’t realize I was a fellow German?
...Well, if you're walking around in a bloody mess alone in the French countryside for some bizarre reason they might think you're French. But they also might want to know what the fuck happened to you.

Then the next chapter opens with this delightful disclaimer:

If you are offended or angry, then I’ve done my job by provoking something.
Unless you're a troll, that is not the reaction you're looking for when you write. Making people think, sure. Shocking is passable. But to go out of your way to offend people? No.

Being that it is fanfiction I could really care less of whether I have a MarySue or not but the characters have not met yet so we shall see.
But the point is that everyone else does care, because it is overdone and they are annoying. And you should care, too. Because having a Mary Sue as a character shows us how awful a writer you actually are.

I had to make them stop. But how? I thought about lying in the middle of the road but they would probably just consider me dead and run right over me. I’d seen them do it before, even knowing that those they ran over were still alive. Scratch that idea.
Or you could, you know, stand in the middle of the road and scream for help in German. They just might understand that.

I knew I had to think of something fast. I quickly unbuttoned what was left of my dress WUT? and stood in the middle of the street. As they approached, I open my dress wide to reveal what had been etched into my stomach. They never told me what it said and I couldn’t see to read it but it was all I had.
'They' here refers to the Jews. At first when I was reading it, I thought she meant the Nazis. Also, for all she knew, what they'd written was 'Whore for sale' or 'Steve was here'. And this is such a stupid plot device. Instead of just having her scream for help, have a sign written into her body forever.

The cars stop and Landa steps out. We're not told it's Landa yet but it's kind of obvious.

He regarded me temporarily then signaled for the other officers to come forward and look.
Er... why?

“Colonel Hans Landa,” he said. “But then you should know that since it is written on your stomach.”
Landa smiles calmly and introduces himself to the lady in obvious need of help, and then lets the reader know that she actually has his freaking name written across her body. Why? Would a gang member really go to the trouble of beating a woman, raping her and then tagging her with someone else's name? Or maybe she was a Post-It note. Like so:

Gang member 1 - Who did you say was our next target?
Gang member 2 - Oh, I think I wrote it on her *points*
Gang member 1 - Oh yeah, Landa, that's right...

EDIT: Chapter Three has been published and the scar says "Col. Landa's Whore". Now, why doesn't it say "Hitler's Whore"? This is still a stupid plot device.

“Let me guess,” he continued. “You were taken by a group of Americans that call themselves the ‘Inglourious Basterds’ and they let you go like this so you could spread fear into the hearts of all Nazi soldiers.” I scrunched my forehead in further confusion as he went on to say, “And they carved my name into your stomach so that would ensure that you were taken to me. Am I correct so far?”
He turns out to be wrong, thankfully, but he seems to be... stupid here. Landa's a lot smarter than this; why would he ask if it had been them? I mean, it's nothing like what they do - ambush soldiers, kill all but one, scalp the dead ones and leave a swastika on the forehead of the survivor. Where in the film do they beat and rape women and then tag them with an enemy soldier's name? Did I miss something?

Then she gets 'escorted' into the car beside Landa and that's the end of that for now. Ugh.

Now, the reviews (three out of the four) say that this has been handled badly and the author would need to be very very careful and clever to avoid it being downright dreadful, but herself and her one positive reviewer have taken the (mostly) constructive criticism as a personal insult, which doesn't give me hope for the rest of the story.

EDIT: Mods, may I please have an Inglourious Basterds tag? Thank you =3
Comments 
1st-Sep-2009 12:09 am (UTC)
WHAAAT? This is so wrong. But you had me cracking up anyways :D Good work, soldier!
1st-Sep-2009 12:27 am (UTC)
Glad to be of service ;D

Unfortunately, the story has just been updated, and the scar is explained, but still makes very little sense.

Worse still, she lifts lines and metaphors straight from the film itself, and not even in a clever fashion -_-; I cannot spork anymore. At least, I can't right now...
1st-Sep-2009 02:20 pm (UTC)
Those Basterds sure are nice to give away free whores to everyone!! This is the best Christmas, ever! And yes, you deserve a nice break now. Relax with a free whore ;D
1st-Sep-2009 03:03 pm (UTC)
I lol'd. Hard.

Aww, thank you! *pets*
1st-Sep-2009 01:03 am (UTC)
I haven't even watched Inglourious Basterds yet (been meaning to) but wow, the mary sues come fast, don't they?

And what awful plot devices. How can you not see what's written on your stomach? Unless it's in a foreign language, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I'd normally agree that a story or a character's views do not necessarily reflect those of the author, but I don't think suethor here has even considered the portrayal of Jews in her story. It's not "thought provoking" if she hasn't given it any thought herself. She hasn't mentioned it in any warnings. All she's interested in is that Jews = antagonists for the purposes of her wish-fulfilment story so that mary sue can go running into the arms of her favourite Nazi Colonel.
1st-Sep-2009 01:11 am (UTC)
You should totally watch it. A lot have people have said it's over-rated but honestly, it isn't. Though if you like your history the way it is, you might not like it very much XD

Or she has massive, stomach-blocking bewbs. Wouldn't surprise me.

Me too; I wouldn't expect people to think that I was a white supremacist like one of my characters is, but he's in this particular story for a reason. A much better reason than "so that Ada-Sue can bonk Christoph Waltz. Er, I mean Hans Landa."

I'm gonna admit it; I think Waltz is attractive. But Landa himself is repulsive and no pairing in the world would make sense here.
1st-Sep-2009 01:26 am (UTC)
Oh I definitely plan to watch it! Just need to find the time...

Yeah I considered the stomach-blocking boobs. And facepalmed.

All girls want bad boys. Warning - TVtropes may suck 4 hours from your life.
1st-Sep-2009 02:02 am (UTC)
Awesome =3

XD. I know, same here. I have stomach-blocking boobs. A quick adjustment and there's my stomach =/

yay TVtropes. I love TVtropes and now I love you =3
1st-Sep-2009 01:04 am (UTC)
Oy gevalt.

Excellent sporking, by the way.
1st-Sep-2009 01:15 am (UTC)
Thanks =] I'd like to say I enjoyed it but... I really didn't =|
(Deleted comment)
1st-Sep-2009 01:14 am (UTC)
Oh no! D= That wasn't my intention XD If it helps, the film is nothing like this >.>; And it is actually good. And Christoph Waltz is just fantastic.

Though I totally see where you;re coming from. If I;d known about the Sues before I saw the film I'd have gone home (despite my scary sister's dragging and pulling) and hid under the bed.
1st-Sep-2009 03:22 am (UTC)
If you are offended or angry, then I’ve done my job by provoking something.

Yeah, disgust. Congratulations.
1st-Sep-2009 05:09 am (UTC)
1st-Sep-2009 02:37 pm (UTC)
I don't have words for how wrong this is. O.O Poor, poor Christoph Waltz, he doesn't deserve to be Mary-Sue-rape-material! (Maybe that's his reason for hiding in German tv all the time? Out of fear of rabid fangirls on the internet who aren't limited by language barriers anymore? XD)

Excellent sporking by the way. XD I just might disagree concerning this sentence: Landa only cares about himself. The last scene in the movie (I don't want to spoil anybody so I hope you know what I mean o.o) shows that he does indeed care for other people. Maybe not in the way the twisted mind of this author wants him to, but he definitely does (or I misunderstood Tarantino... again XD). Nonetheless this fanfic is awful and should be burnt in hell. If Satan wants something like this to stain his fires.
1st-Sep-2009 03:00 pm (UTC)
I feel for him. Hopefully the fact that he's so busy with interviews and roles being thrown at him from every which way means he is currently shielded from the fangirls =3

Thank you! However, I have to disagree with your disagreement. I think Landa just didn't think that Raine would go back on 'his' promises. He wasn't expecting Raine to be just as manipulative and opportunistic as himself. Pure conceitedness on his part. And I also feel it was likely that he thought with one more German as protection, he was less likely to fall victim to that kind of traitorous behaviour. Of course, through his smugness, he failed to realise that these men weren't rule/law-abiding American citizens and he got marked for his arrogance in the end. Or, you know, I'm totally reading far too much into the character XD

So... yeah. X3
1st-Sep-2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
Highlight the comment for spoilerish commentary X3
1st-Sep-2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
Now I really want to see this movie just so I can spork the badfic.

Where in the film do they beat and rape women and then tag them with an enemy soldier's name? Did I miss something?

Yes, you were probably in the bathroom when they fought the Battle of Marie Suzette.
3rd-Sep-2009 02:32 am (UTC)
More than anything else, I'm baffled that the Mary Sue refers to her vagina (or perhaps her asshole) as "a more private disclosure". It sounds like the title of a novel set in Victorian England. I imagine that it would involve a young, sexually repressed, thoroughly middle-class clerk who falls in love with a dangerous, aristocratic older man and subsequently gets his heart broken very badly indeed when the older man seduces his pretty, sheltered bride-to-be, who has always been morbidly self-concious because one of her legs is slightly shorter than the other. Also, the clerk argues a lot with his father and the trials of Oscar Wilde are used as a none-too-subtle plot device.

If you read just one novel inspired by terrible fanfiction this year, read "A More Private Disclosure"!

(Also, why can't the Mary Sue read what's written on her stomach? Is she illiterate? Is it in a foreign language? Or is she just really bad at reading things upside down?)
3rd-Sep-2009 05:30 am (UTC)
....One of my dreams went like that once. The dangerous gentleman was played by London Mayor Boris Johnson for some bizarre reason.

(I think it's written in French and according to the newest chapter she only moved to France a few months ago and then her father and brother were killed by the Basterds and then she was kidnapped and raped and beaten and nothing can go right for her oh how tragic!! ...To answer your question, I have no idea =/)
3rd-Sep-2009 08:31 am (UTC)
HAHA. Boris? Awesome :D
27th-Mar-2010 07:05 am (UTC)
I'm way, way late to the party, but I have to say that you made me laugh so hard I began to cry.

If you read just one novel inspired by terrible fanfiction this year, read "A More Private Disclosure"!
It sounds like a romance novel I'd find in my university's bookstore and begin to read out of morbid curiosity and enjoy just a bit.

Also, this icon seems oddly relevant.
3rd-Sep-2009 08:35 am (UTC)
So, let me get this straight. What we have here is a Mary-Sue who is also a Nazi supporter?

What could possibly go wrong here?
3rd-Oct-2009 01:12 am (UTC)
Oh the horror O_O
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