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Badfic Quotes!
You just can't stop a train.
The Rules (Please Read Before Posting)
1. Be nice - mock the story, and don’t mock (or threaten!) the author. Remember, most of us probably have a badfic skeleton in our closet. (kma definitely does, and is willing to show her own badfics from days gone by.)
2. No linking to LJ accounts. Post the quote but no link or username in this case. Linking to communities is okay.
3. Don't post whole chapters or whole fics (even drabbles!). Also, don't post only links to badfics.
4. Please LJ-cut any long/sexually explicit/gross entries. Also, please don’t use any naughty icons in posts (but using them in comments is fine!)
5. Any member of this community found to have attacked/trolled an author whose quote has been featured here in their personal LJ/site/ff.net/by e-mail, will be immediately banned. This also applies to grudgewankers.
6. As we have had duplicate posts in the past, please check the first page and the memories/tags for your fandom to see if the quotes you want to post might have already been posted. Yes, we have seen "My Immortal".
7. If you need to mock a badfic for its bizarreness, do it in one entry. Seeing the same fic mocked over and over again chapter by chapter is extremely annoying, pisses off the mods and might get the entry deleted. Certain exceptions can be made for fics in a series, but this will be up to the mods to decide.
8. Don't assume readers will magically know what fandom your post is from. Either tag the entry, or put it in the subject line. This will also assist the mods in archiving the posts. (You're welcome (encouraged!) to tag the entry with the name of the fandom, if it has already been featured. If it has not been featured yet, a mod will make a tag for you.)
9. Although this community is largely for bad fan fiction quotes and summaries, bad quotes from other sources (fic reviews, weird stuff encountered IRL) are allowed - although we do ask you to mark them OT in the post title. Badfic-related things that are not quotes are also allowed as (occasional) OT posts. We do ask you not to post quotes from author profiles on various fanfic sites as this breaks rule # 1.
10. For authors of the quotes featured here - you've posted your fic on a public forum, and thus, it can be read and commented on by everyone. We're just featuring bits of your stories that create bizarre mental images and amuse us greatly. We've got nothing against you personally. (And yes, we do have real lives. We don't spend all our waking hours mocking.)
11. Please limit the badfic quotes with comments to 1000 words and under to avoid the "tl;dr" syndrome. If you want to post a longer sporking, you’re welcome to post it in your personal LJ and link to it in your post. Also, if your post consists of in-jokes between you and your f-list, please keep it in your own LJ.
12. OT posts should be limited to Sundays. If you come across a flier, syllabus, email, non-fic posting, what have you, please hold off on posting it until Sunday. Profic is still considered badfic and can still be posted on any day.
13. If you ignore said rules once, the mods will warn you and possibly delete your entry. If you ignore the warning, further action will be taken, possibly resulting in a temporary or permanent ban.
14. For posters of the quotes featured here -- they MUST be in a public domain. No snagging unposted material from an unsuspecting source to mock here. (Your own unposted material is okay, as you were only unsuspecting when you wrote it.)
15. Do not use language (in your commentary or in your comments on posts) that is sexist, racist, ableist, homophobic, or otherwise hurtful. It is neither funny nor cute, and will not be tolerated.
16. If the badfic excerpts you posted are more readable than your comments, you're doing it wrong. Grammar has been abused enough in badfics; please do not abuse it any more. Capitalization, spelling, and punctuation are our friends, so let's please live in harmony with them.
17. Mods are not your best friend. They're not soft and cuddly. They uphold the rules that are in place for a reason. Arguing with mods and calling them jerks if they tell you you're doing [insert rule or common sense thing here] wrong will not endear you to them. Don't forget the mods can ban you if they so desire, which they will most likely do if you call them names. One of the mods is the community founder and the rest are long-term members who know what they're doing.
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30th-Jul-2015 12:13 am(no subject) [harry potter]
From HP fic )
[Spoiler (click to open)]
I'm taking you to the Animagi Support Society. - told him Dmbledore. - You're gonna like it there, Harry. *Established by Hermione?*
He is just like Voldemort - short, red-headed and wear glasses!
Tears were threading her face and her eyes were burning with hatered. She determinately shook them off her face.
Harry saw James shagging Sev in the pensive.
Will you give me the number of your owl so I could write to you?
- Fuck me, fuck me hard, Sevrus! - whispered Miona's aroused breasts. Man took off his pants, unbuttoned his trousers and throw them into the fire in the fireplace, removed his coat and mounted Hermione.
Avada Evanesco!  *"Hmm... Avada totalus? Maybe Finite Kedavra? No, that isn't gonna work either... Oh, I think it is  time for me to retire..." - mournfully thought Voldemort.*
Harry's trained brain put two and two together and draw a staggering conclusion *FOUR!*
He felt the need to mount his broom and run away from here. *Must be hard to run with a broom between your legs...*
Snape grabbed Harry's leg slightly over the elbow.
Good night, professor, - Hermione smiled at him with her sparkling black eye .
Dobby was a slave, but he was a free slave, and he loved Harry's sock!
Harry saw the snitch and almost fell off the broom with excitement.
Sirius faced the Counsil, showing them his package. They were impressed.
Dumbledore gazed kindly at Harry, playing with his wand under the table.
Filch started to run, but it was too late. Peeves already have finished with the Fat Lady's portrait, and flew away into the darkness yelping with satisfaction. Fat Lady only could cry with indignation.
Death Eaters stood in the Burrow's doorway. At the kitchen door stood Molly with a curving knife in her hand. Death  eaters exchandeg looks - Lucius was missing!
- Good morning, Jucius.
- Good morning, Minevra.
- Lord Volpendort you can, kill me, but you will never dominate the world!
- Why is that, you silly girl?
- Because you don't have pheniks eggs!
- ha-haha, omibous mugician roared with maniacal laughter. But I do have the eggs and he opened flappers of his robes and showed the eggs, everyone shyly turned away.
24th-Jul-2015 01:51 am(no subject) [redwall series]
Rule 34 is an endless source of hilarity even if one doesn't find its mere existence hilarious; the example I'm giving here would be laughable in any context. I don't think it's accessible to non-Furaffinity users because it's adult-rated but here's a link anyway.

The part I'm laughing at involved Martin the Warrior thinking he'd been betrayed by Lady Amber. In what is supposed to be a serious rage, he confronts her; when she starts to explain herself, he says "That's utter cow-skite! You've ruined me!" Two sentences later, when he's supposed to be slightly less angry, he says "What the fuck are you talking about?" The mental image of Martin casually saying "fuck" at the best of times is refusing to form, but the contrast with the minced oath which I also can't imagine him using is killing me.

The same fic includes written-out all-caps moaning sounds; various other baby-swears such as an adult character using the word "poo" when not speaking to a child; and this is really just a nitpick but I'm not sure one can use the same terms for gay people in a universe where neither Sodom nor Lesbos ever existed, though canon still refers to plants like "pennyroyal" when they don't use currency so yeah.
1st-Feb-2015 09:38 pm - I only have myself to blame [bleach]
death note LJ
....when a fic's title, Aaroniero finds out about Tentacle rape, can double as the summary, there's little doubt about the quality of what the story's gonna be.

Aaroniero tentacle porn is a dime a dozen,but this one goes above and beyond snuffing out a few of the characters, a three part focus on Rukia (because obviously) but this somehow manages to slip in sideways Orihime bashing in the mix, too in the last four paragraphs of chapter  8:

Because raping Orihime with tentacles wasn't enoughCollapse )
*Edited for rules. Sorry 'bout that *bows*
I love Sora. So I decided to post some summaries revolving around my fluffy Kingdom Hearts baby. These are all from the first three pages of the Pit with Sora set as a character.

What is wrong with this fandom?Collapse )
9th-Dec-2014 05:39 pm - Amazing Beyblade Fic! [beyblade, wtf]
These are some quotes from the magnificent Pum Pum Finger 2, the sequel to Pum Pum Finger. If you've never heard of this piece of literary art, you are truly missing out.

NSFW Past the Cut!Collapse )
So people have been doing these summary word searches, so I did one too- with a twist. I did a search for summaries of fics for certain titles in the Super Smash Brothers series. They are from the section of the host game, and the word I used to find them is random.

The Final Destination of BadnessCollapse )

Mods, I would like tags for Metroid and Kirby, please. Thank you!
Reading - Dorian
From the Just In page of the Pit.

I'm Alyson Potter and this my story !

SUMMARY: Bella swan is not clumsy shy girl people think she is she is a witch sister of James Potter now when she goes to school one day she sees one of her best friend and what if he has the most tragic news and what will happen after that Its better then u think i just dont know how to write good summaries

I wondered it the story contained any punctuation and found it to be completely unreadable because of HTML tagging bleeding into the actual text.

The summary alone just screams Mary Sue.
Reading - Dorian
From the Pit: Sonic and the Great War
Summary: Sonic and Tails have to go to ponyville to help fight in the great war. Will they survive? RATED M FOR SEX

This story has EVERYTHING!
Except proper grammar, punctuation, spelling, coherency and...plot.

Props on avoiding the use of a Mary Sue and just going with inserting oneself directly into the story. I pray that this is a troll fic.

This video is from Masako, a member of Team Four Star, the geniuses behind Dragon Ball Z Abridged.

If I've missed any fandoms, please add them to the tags. There are so many in this mish-mash.
Man, I haven't posted on LiveJournal in ages. But I was browsing the pit for a rather uncommon pairing (Velanna/Nathaniel from Dragon Age), and when stumbled across this summary, I immediately thought of this community. (Tabris is an elf, and Alistair is a human. Emphasis mine.)

Human titles
Kallian Tabris and Alistair's breakup make both of them racist. Fortunately for Zevran, this allows him to express some unrequited feelings. Also, Alarith, the Alienage shopkeep, has a complicated relationship with an elven blood mage. Bevin and Amethyne have a fluffy relationship while Nathaniel and Velanna's is complicated. More pairings within and forthcoming.

I skimmed it and, yes, it's as stupid as it sounds. A couple of choice passages from the first chapter are included below the cut. There's some mild smut. Spork in bold.

'She was SO embarrassed. Shut down by him in front of everyone. And now she had to mingle.'Collapse )
30th-Jun-2014 01:19 pm - L is showing off some hip bone! [death note]
The title of the story made me expect some werewolf AU, but it turned out to be just your average Light/L slash:

When The Wolf Calls

Two passages stuck out, though...

There was L's hip bone.
Between L's baggy clothing and strange postures, the bone would occasionally slip into view.

Yikes! I know what the author means, but the description makes me think the actual bone is visible...
Although, given this further musings by Light, I'm not too sure anymore:

Or...or was it smooth? Pleasant, like a polished river rock?

After the story skips over the sexy bedroom action, Light goes on to reminisce:

Strange, scrawny L...he couldn't block the memory of the taut back under his hands, or the ecstatic moment when he reached that sweet, velvety abyss...

I'm not sure what the "velvety abyss" is supposed to be, but since they were kissing just before, I suppose it's his mouth?
27th-Jun-2014 09:46 pm - A Kid Icarus Gem [kid icarus]
I know I posted a bunch of these in a row, but this just has to be shared with the world. No Digimon this time (shocker for me). Instead, I’m bringing a gem from a smaller fandom.

I’ve been getting into Kid Icarus: Uprising lately. I love Pit. He’s such a dorkus. I want fics of him meeting Sora from Kingdom Hearts and them being mega dorks together.

Because fate isn’t so kind, I got this instead.

Warning- Lemon AlertCollapse )

Mods, a Kid Icarus tag would be much appreciated. Thank you!
Some of these are semi-NSFW.


"She just walked away licking off your semen like it was gameshow slime."

"I had them not shoot you for the soul purpose to annoy you." Leomon explained to T.K.
"They" are cupids that make you fall in love with random shit. This fic was awful and full of bashing. From the same fic, we have-

He then kicked Gatomon a few feet (Because I hate Gatomon and so does Koushiro.)
Blatant author-insert ahoy!

Kingdom Hearts

Gold from a vorefic.

He couldn’t stop himself from being sucked down to his stomach while filling up the stomach of his attacker.

You don’t need any context. The rest of the story is just as mind-boggling anyway.

The World Ends with You

Here’s some gems from a high school AU. It’s NekuxEvery Male Character, but the “main” pairing is NekuxMR.HANEKOMA! *groans*
Here are the highlights.

I will drive you home if need be, but I must get you on track so you don't come blubbering to me when your grade is poor," I kept my face to the desk but I made a nodding motion

Can someone please decode this sentence? It looks like two sentences stitched together and made into some kind of weird literary Frankenstein’s monster.

"Yo, I'm Beat." He extended his fisted hand, apparently looking to pound it on my one. I reluctantly reached out and tapped his huge fist with my small one, "Hell yeah, that's a Beatdown, for sure."

Poor, poor Neku only has one hand. Poor baby.

"No more needs to be said, dear Neku, no one will know of this."

Harmless on its own, but hear me out. Joshua says this after he kisses Neku. In public. In. Public. *explodes*

Mods, can I please have a tag for The World Ends with You?
Fic Sucks - Klaus
From the JUST IN page of the Pit.

Hadrian No-Last-Name
Harry Potter, renamed Hadrian No-Last-Name by his savior and teacher (Clementine Coster), returns to England, his homeland, at the call of Severus Snape for the Order and his twin brother. Something Clementine Coster (OFC) said in passing to Severus begins to run it's course, tying the five of them together.

For the love of God, NO!
4th-Feb-2014 03:11 pm - Bible fanfiction [bible]
For some reason I delved into bible fanfiction in the pit. I don't know what I was thinking... I will not actually spork this because I have no idea where to even start

Oh crap, I'm pregnant
Jesus cheated on his husband, Satan, with Nicolas Cage and is now in labour, about to give birth. Includes: MPREG, Slight Gore, M/M, crocs and Miranda Cosgrove. You have been pre-warned.

I wont c/p everything bad here because a) it's nearly everything and b) the fic has less than 650 words. Just follow the link. Warning by me: Don't eat or drink before reading this.
Oh, and this is the sequel
28th-Jan-2014 01:11 pm - Summaries from the Pit [death note]
I'm still in bed sick, so here are the summaries I mentioned in the previous post.

Spork away!Collapse )
26th-Jan-2014 09:20 pm - The Contract From Hell [death note]
I'm in bed sick, so what better way to amuse the clouded brain than reading some badfic?

At first, I only wanted to post some summaries, but this one made me look:

The Contract From Hell

All is quiet in the skyscraper...until Misa barges in with a contract signed by Light saying he will MARRY HER! Panic ensues where L, Light, and Matsuda are whisked into an 'early marriage vacation' with Misa. While on vacation could Light convince L and Matsuda to help him shred the contract? Or be his best men?

Spork away!Collapse )
Titanium Spork
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