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Badfic Quotes!
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The Newb Makes her First Post. 
19th-May-2007 08:03 pm [harry potter]
OMG, Pam
Well... I stumbled upon this community by sheer chance, and I have to say that it was the greatest thing that's ever happened.

My friend (QueenAlysanne)who shall be posting shortly & I have set out to become the most frequent posters. Until now, we've just been finding badfic and talking to eachother about it. But now, an outlet for our frustrations.

The WORST fic ever... My Immortal

Fandom: Harry (Vampire) Potter
Summary: Well basically a gothic gurl falls in love with Draco but then it turns out that he is in love with Harry, and the girl is in love with Harry too. What will happen? Slash. M 4 sex and swearing and suicidal thoughts. NO preps. Plz r&r Rating changed to M!
(We've started off on a grammatically BAD note.)

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way ("Dark'ness"?! And also "Holy ridiculous amount of names, Batman!") and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) (Born with long black, hair, eh? Sadly, this is one of the MOST plausible things that occur in this 40 chaper tumor on the fancfiction community.) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears (She owns a thesaurus evidently.) and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. (And we all want to be RELATED to sexy folk, yes?) I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell)
(... Ouch.)

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)
(Yes... write your friends into the story. Then tell us about it. Wow.)

My favorite author's note ever:

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY (It's what now?) nut mary su OK!
(Translation- "Author's Note: I said stop flaming the story, okay? Ebony's name is EBONY, not Mary Sue, okay?" *Giggles*)

Possibly the GREATEST bad sex-scene in the history of all badfic.

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
(*Blinkblink* *Stares blankly* *cries*)

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

(The author explains in the next chapter "Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok" Okay, Mary Sue, okay. Also, please not the gratuitous ellipses for dramatic pause, I guess. Get used to that.)

Just a few more gems, then the rest is up to you.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

(Three words: "Jesus.... fucking.... Christ." -_-)

"I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!"

(That's it, I'm committing suicide.) I'm going to critique myself here... I am a Red vs. Blue geek/dweeb/nerd to the 9th degree. I apologize in advance for any further quoting I will undoubtedly do.

“Draco are u okay?” I asked in a gothic voice.

(Pray tell... What does that sound like?)

“OK class fucking dismissed every1.” Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go.

(Did she have a headache too, Mary?)

He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork.

(What?)

I can't look at this any more. I think my head is about to explode

Comments 
20th-May-2007 12:47 am (UTC)
Trevolry

Is that when toads revel, do you suppose?
20th-May-2007 12:58 am (UTC)
I think so. They all dance and frolic... Sometimes, they even ROMP.

Toads love a good romping in the Trevolry.
20th-May-2007 12:50 am (UTC)
“Draco are u okay?” I asked in a gothic voice.

XDXDXD

haha. heroin cabaret had me laughing outloud..(.and waking my mum up. XD)

<333 awesome first post. :P
20th-May-2007 12:57 am (UTC)
*Bows* Thank you... Thank you.

I was afraid I'd be posting something that's been around here for ages and was going to get my ass beat.

... Is there a way to "win" this community? 'Cause I think I just did.

Also- I have much icon love for you. DiNozzo is a sexy bastard.
20th-May-2007 12:56 am (UTC)
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!


BEST PART OF THE WHOLE GODDAMN FIC.

But .. you already knew that.
20th-May-2007 12:58 am (UTC)
Yes I did. Now get off my post. Hooker.
20th-May-2007 01:32 am (UTC)
He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork.

This is the best sentence ever! I just wish I knew what the hell it meant. :)
20th-May-2007 01:38 am (UTC)
It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?

Goddammit.... Grif quote! *Smacks self*
20th-May-2007 02:59 am (UTC)
Oh wow, that was awful!

Heroin caberet? Is that, a new kind of drug that makes you do the can-can in a skimpy outfit?

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

What do you want to bet the writer is 12?
20th-May-2007 03:19 am (UTC)
She can't even spell her own character's name the same way twice, in the same sentence. I used to have a will to live. Notice how that's in the past tense?
:P Well, that's what I get for reading badfic quotes!
20th-May-2007 03:30 am (UTC)
Awh... Don't be suicidal on my account...

You didn't read every.single.chapter. -_-
20th-May-2007 10:10 am (UTC)
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)
*flinches* For her sake, I hope the friend was so embarrassed by this that they're no longer speaking.

He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork.
Um, wow. I feel like I've stumbled into a David Lynch movie, with none of the intelligence.

I need to go lie down now.
20th-May-2007 12:22 pm (UTC)
One would expect Hogwarts students to be proficient at spelling.

He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork.
And now I want to spork something too. The author's brain comes to mind.
20th-May-2007 01:02 pm (UTC)
It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

That pause is so pregnant, it had a kid, got knocked up again, and had a second.
20th-May-2007 05:53 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! She asked in 'a gothic voice'? Incredible... I suppose it saves on actual description so she can just get on with the - erm - plot?

Nice post! Absolutely goddamn hilarious!
20th-May-2007 06:34 pm (UTC)
I am very glad there is nobody else nearby, as this had me near-paralytic with laughter. OH GOD.
"Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)" AHA. HA. Hahahaha. *dies*
Truly, this is the worst fic ever.
20th-May-2007 06:48 pm (UTC)
I've never been able to read it without bursting into tears from the ridiculous that is this fic.
20th-May-2007 08:21 pm (UTC)
Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
(*Blinkblink* *Stares blankly* *cries*)

... yeah well speechless :D I can't stop laughing ^^
20th-May-2007 09:08 pm (UTC)
How much do you want to bet that this is her as well. (She claims to be a 'friend' but they have very similar writing styles. Too similar to be different people, I think. Even though she says that the "My Immortal" author helped with her story.)

~Ami
21st-May-2007 12:49 am (UTC)
So bad, it has its own ED article:

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/My_Immortal

This is old news, guys. XD
21st-May-2007 12:55 am (UTC)
o_O Holy shit.
21st-May-2007 01:01 pm (UTC)
Oh, it hurts...T_T
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