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You just can't stop a train.
Some goth!Potter gems. 
20th-May-2007 07:36 pm [harry potter]
comics : karkat
Er, so it's my first post here. I hope I have the format right and everything.
I believe this fic has already been posted here, but there are some more gems I have risked my sanity to trawl up. I'm beginning to think it's a joke, but if so the author deserves recognition as a master of the badfic art.
They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.
“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.
“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.
And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”
"Mediocre dunces"? Somebody is very proud of their new thesaurus, apparently. Nice OOC Draco, too.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!
She won't update until we give her good reviews? Oh... oh dear god! What can we do?!

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily 
Hmmm. "To demean". Interesting choice of verb, dear. Also, in the fic-universe, isn't Snape saying "what is it you desire?" usually followed  by him taking his clothes off?

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco 
Er. I think the word you may be looking for is "virginity".

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.
BEST. LINE. EVER.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. [....] I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.
Erm, if you're crying blood to begin with, is there really a lot of point to cutting your wrists as well? Also, that's some steak.

Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! 
OH NO!

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
Goodness.

...who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)...
Yes. Yes it is.

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”
It was……………………………….. Voldemort!

A "croon" voice? Erm, I'm sorry? And apparently Voldemort has converted to Islam. Interesting.

I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar.
Wow, I wish we got to do that in my Bio class.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE!
OK, this is just getting silly. Enough.


EDIT: I couldn't resist one more:
Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111
Comments 
20th-May-2007 07:19 pm (UTC)
I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco
Er. I think the word you may be looking for is "virginity".

I bet Draco was surprised, as well.

And Loopin was masticating to it!
What, on the steak she was trying to stik into her heart?
20th-May-2007 07:30 pm (UTC)
I don't think Draco would have objected much, in *this* fic... later on he gets together with "Vampire", a.k.a. Harry. Cue many author's notes saying "dont u think bi guys r so hott", or similar.
20th-May-2007 07:28 pm (UTC)
Lung black hair? And a black bread.

So he has some exotic lung disease, and he's a bad baker. Point taken.

And this whole story has to be a joke. Right?
20th-May-2007 07:35 pm (UTC)
yeah, and he flu on his broomstick, too.
And yeah, I'm beginning to think it is. I didn't even begin to post the number of times he/she/it quoted My Chemical Romance lyrics, compared Harry to Gerard Way, used the work "sexah", or described horribly tacky "goffik" outfits in inordinate detail.
20th-May-2007 07:29 pm (UTC)
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.
BEST. LINE. EVER.

Oh my god, i am DYING over here! This is hilarious!! I really want to use the line 'I hath telekinesis' to explain EVERYTHING from now on. I'll try it out on my roommate tonight!
20th-May-2007 07:37 pm (UTC)
GIP!
20th-May-2007 07:29 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, this is amazing. 'Loopin' and 'Hargirid', "Allah Kedavra"...I wish it wasn't real because it is hilarious. *laughing so hard right now* This is an atrocity but I love it. 'dude-ur-so-retarded'... *sniggers*
20th-May-2007 07:33 pm (UTC)
Don't forget "Snap". He appears a lot. Also, "Vlodemrot".
20th-May-2007 08:00 pm (UTC)
AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!
She won't update until we give her good reviews? Oh... oh dear god! What can we do?!

Sadly the badfic writer never keep that promise not to update. It should be made legally binding.

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco
Er. I think the word you may be looking for is "virginity".

Also, author, remember the rule "show, don't tell." On the other hand... don't. Please.

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”
It was……………………………….. Voldemort!
A "croon" voice? Erm, I'm sorry? And apparently Voldemort has converted to Islam. Interesting.


What is this: the "let's see how many more major religions we can get pissed off at Potter" game?

Please let it be a......................joke!
20th-May-2007 08:06 pm (UTC)
Loopin was masticating to it!

I pictured Lupin munching on a scone (dry, but possibly with some type of fruit in) without any apparent concern or interest while watching what I gather from the context may be child pornography.

It was a disturbing mental image.
20th-May-2007 08:14 pm (UTC)
I like the fact that he was able to watch said video (whatever he was doing at the same time... I'm not sure I actually want to know) while "Snap" was still filming it.
Actually, the author definitely has something against "Loopin". Later on it is revealed that he is "a nekrofile" (or similar).
20th-May-2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
Sorry, can't stop laughing....*gasp* I feel a major giggle fit coming on...
20th-May-2007 08:15 pm (UTC)

Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!
OH NO!

^^ ROFL!

20th-May-2007 08:38 pm (UTC)
We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”

Anyone else picture them running in with their man-meat sticking out of their pants? No? Just me?

This is the funniest badfic I've EVER read. xD
21st-May-2007 12:42 am (UTC)
YES! oh, the lolz.
20th-May-2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
Oh god XD If I had photoshop still, there would be icons galore from this! For shame, computer, for breaking on me!
20th-May-2007 09:48 pm (UTC)
This is actually the self-same fic from MY first post...

the 40 chapters must have caused confusion...
20th-May-2007 09:55 pm (UTC)
You put in all the parts I couldn't bring myself to copy/paste tough.

Such as the "Loopin Mastication scene" and Voldemort speaking in Ye Olde English.
20th-May-2007 11:03 pm (UTC)
The "Allah Kedavra" must be my favourite part. I'm picturing the gangster muslim kids at my school running around saying Alla Kedavra!
20th-May-2007 11:07 pm (UTC)
Oh! Is that that one girl that was mentioned on Encyclopedia Dramatica? *Searches* Um... Her name was... Tara Gilesbie? Is this "My Immortal"? If it is, I'll laugh. Then die.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/My_Immortal
21st-May-2007 12:48 am (UTC) - link thanks
That wiki entry is GOLD (it even mentions Voldemort's 'dude-ur-so-retarded look').
20th-May-2007 11:33 pm (UTC)
Wait.. Tom Bombadil? When did LOTR get involved?

Also, even I can spell better than that. *shudders*
20th-May-2007 11:44 pm (UTC)
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly

Oh. Dear. My eyes, they hath the bleeding!
(Also, totally snagging that icon and using it to solve every frakking thing from now. Rock on. *will credit in abundance*)

Hm, I bet Voldemort is secretly a muslim in this fic, and therefore he must be Truly Evil *eyeroll*. She's trying to brainwash us, and is cleverly distracting us by making us bleed from the eyeballs. I know it!
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