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Badfic Quotes!
You just can't stop a train.
Okay, so stop me if you've heard this one... Harry Potter 
26th-Feb-2008 07:56 pm [harry potter]
Fresh noob meat. Mmmmmmm. I'm absolutely terrible at introductions, can't you tell?

Please tell me if this has been done before. I've looked around, and I'm pretty sure that it hasn't. But I have been known to make mistakes before.
This is a Harry Potter fic, titled 'My Immortal'. The first sentence is Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).
That should give you a hint at what's to come. Let's get officially started, shall we?

I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch.

So, what we have here is a vampire witch, with a very good dentist it seems. Hm, interesting. Go on.

I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black.

No, we would have never guessed.

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

I totally know how you feel. Whenever people stare at me I put up my ring finger at them.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

The voice.....Shouted! And I'm guessing she had to look up to see him because the people she put her middle finger up at were about a foot tall.

My coffin was black ebony..

Black ebony is my favorite colour, y'know.

I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears

I didn't know you had to have pierced ears to put in earrings! Wow!

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me.

The ultimate way to show a friend you love them: Put them in your Mary-Sue fanfic.

Just then, Draco walked up to me. “Hi.” he said. “Hi.” I replied flirtily.


“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he said."

Ummm... I don't know if I need to fix that one. Shouldn't it fix itself?

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.


He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

I honestly can't tell what that last sentence says. I wonder, how was the author was able to write it?

Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!


Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

....There are no words.

And then…. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

..Am I the only one amused by the mental image of Dumbledore showing up out of nowhere screaming 'MOTHERFUKERS'?

Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well."

Wait, why is Snape the only one who's alright with this?

I spray-painted my hair with purple.

Hm. I wonder how they were able to put purple into a spray paint can.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk

Mmmmm. Delicious muggle food soaked in blood.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

...I'm the sicko here? Wait, I'm the one still reading this. I guess I kind of am at fault here.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.”

Oh lord..

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.

How does one French passively, I wonder?

he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

Please, don't make me answer the painfully obvious.


Apparently, people in England like to use the term Motherfucker a lot. To bring you up to speed, Ebony found out that Malfoy might have been cheating on her with Harry. In reality, they used to go out before Ebony and Malfoy got together. Malfoy also is very well endowed, and likes to chase people around in the nude. Fast forward a bit, to Ebony's first encounter with Voldemort.

He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!
“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

This seems bad now, but wait until he starts speaking..

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

...Ouch. The pain.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

Kind of like the look I have right now.

“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I wish I could fly angrily away on my broomstick every time I encountered a Mary-Sue. And that I hathed telekinesis.

I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

Now how could you ever be upset if you were rehearsing with a band called Bloody Gothic Rose 666?

The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.


I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

Slut? You? Pfffft. The thought barely crossed my mind.

But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

Wild Draco appeared!

“How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

Like I said before, this needs no answer.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

... That's all I'm doing for tonight. This is too painful. Earlier the author mentioned that Draco was probably 'slitting' his wrists, and that it didn't matter because he was a vampire too and couldn't die. Hm. That's odd.

...This is a tad long. Sorry about that. Can you believe this is 44 chapters long?
Full story over this way: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2828044/1/My_Immortal

EDIT: Okay, so now I know that this is more famous then I gave it credit for. I'm so sorry for choosing it without reserching more. I really need to go on here more often.
Again, I'm very sorry for wasting your time.
27th-Feb-2008 05:54 am (UTC)
My Immortal is super famous in HP fic. I'm 99.9% sure it's a joke.
27th-Feb-2008 05:02 pm (UTC)
My friend did tell me it was famous when she showed me. I still had fun writing about it, though.
27th-Feb-2008 05:56 am (UTC)
Child, stop whilst you can! That is the world's biggest troll and it is bigger than you and me and the badfic_quotes world combined! Funny you should point it out, because I was showing my friends it the other day, and reading it dramatically for their entertainment.

If you want to see more info about this horrific author go here:
27th-Feb-2008 05:10 pm (UTC)
Huh. That's weird, because a friend of mine pulled it up a few days ago and started reading it out in a middle eastern accent for our entertainment.

Why hello there encyclopedia dramatica. It's been a while.
27th-Feb-2008 08:16 pm (UTC)
I just screamed and whined and such. Much fun, actually.

*Hugs ED*

27th-Feb-2008 05:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, thanks for that link. I just about died laughing at the gothic!canon!characters picture. :)
27th-Feb-2008 08:18 pm (UTC)
That website is so amazing. Enjoy!
27th-Feb-2008 06:15 am (UTC)
Hon, you've found the most famous troll on the internet. XD It's been killed and lampooned so many times, it's hilarious. X3
27th-Feb-2008 07:37 am (UTC)
old, but really really funny.
yes, it's probably a joke, but still *someone* had to spend time writing it!
27th-Feb-2008 07:53 am (UTC)
Ah, this fic...it's so ridiculous. I enjoyed your snark though.
27th-Feb-2008 08:19 am (UTC)
Ok that was one of the funniest things I have read in my life. That wonderfully bad fanfiction coupled with your commentary. I....died. XDD
(Bah. I have no harry potter icons. >_<)
27th-Feb-2008 08:26 am (UTC)
my poor eyes....;_;
aside from forcing them to read this atrocity, i had *facepalmed* myself too hard a couple times hitting my eyes harder than intended x_x
(commented as i read)

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

wow i don't think I've ever read a sex scene that lasted for one scentance


“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

did she just discover Shakespeare and think that talking that way will make him more refined somehow??? O.o

this has to be a joke....i dont think (or at least i'd like to) that someone could write like this for 44 chapters

27th-Feb-2008 12:40 pm (UTC)
Yes, it's a famous troll fic.
27th-Feb-2008 09:34 am (UTC)
I've read My Immortal! It's the Worst Best Fanfiction Evar!! :DD
27th-Feb-2008 01:43 pm (UTC)
I'm still fairly new to the sporking thing so I'm not familiar with this particular sue, but I've read this gal's livejournal and have seen the entertaining article written on wiki about her, and boy, does she sound like a hoot!
it sounds like she's trying very hard to be goth so we've got to commend her for effort, especially with the way she showcases her flirtation with the dark side, love of mainstream pop punk and shopping (hot topic anyone?) other than that, someone needs to sit her down and 'splain a couple things to her.

27th-Feb-2008 04:57 pm (UTC)

'Scuse me, I need to go cry now.
27th-Feb-2008 10:18 pm (UTC)
Yum Trolls taste very good. I don't know why authors keep making Trolls it's sort of obvious lol.
27th-Feb-2008 11:46 pm (UTC)
THIS is famous? I honestly had no conception of how bad Mary Sues could be - I have read some pretty horrendous examples, but none were such atrocities as this.
28th-Feb-2008 12:06 am (UTC)
Oh gosh, I just went and read the first eleven chapters of that mess. I think that the matter on my desk is my brain - it must have leaked out of my ears.
28th-Feb-2008 03:37 am (UTC)
s'okay, I love mockings of this thing. Reading aloud (in a dramatic voice) is even more fun! If you search youtube, you can even find dramatic readings of it...*laughs*

My favorite line has to be "it was an ugly, preppy man with no nose."

Yep. Voldemort is an ugly, preppy man. *snickers*
28th-Feb-2008 07:24 am (UTC)
Oh god it's on youtube lol this I have to see.
28th-Feb-2008 12:04 pm (UTC)
I doubt its possible to tire of the gawth-awful parody that is "My Immortal", nor of the nifty snark aimed at it, such as the above offering. Not only did I snigger at the fic (again) but also at the talented sporking.
A win/win situation IMO.
28th-Feb-2008 09:15 pm (UTC)

[snortle] Love it!
28th-Feb-2008 10:11 pm (UTC)
Well, I hadn't encountered it before, so one way or another you gave me a giggle. Thanks. :o)
1st-Mar-2009 07:47 pm (UTC)
Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

There you go. Calling someone you-know-who is bad for people's linguistic future, I KNEW it.

23rd-Mar-2010 09:26 pm (UTC)
I stumbled on this and I laughed so hard, I couldn't help but add my two cents.

Ron (although we call him Diabolo now

Do you know that in French a "diabolo" is a drink? More exactly a drink made of lemonade and fruit cordial? :)
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