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So Wrong/Hilarious, It Should Be ILLEGAL. 
5th-Oct-2008 01:28 am [harry potter]
Tonberry <3

Why is my fandom a cesspool of badfic?  Here we have one of the most infamous badfics of Harry Potter:  My Immortal.  I suggest you read it, if only for the lulz.  Most of the time, I was torn between headdesking and laughing. 

My sporks are le bold.

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).
There's so many things wrong with this first sentence that it just hurts.  I mean, my grandmother has dementia.  Do you really want another word for senility in your name?

BTW, readers, she’s a 7th year gothic witch/vampire with anger issues.

It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Er...I’m not too sure about England, but here in the states, it’s pretty much physically impossible for it to snow and rain at the same time.  Something about freezing points and other nonsense, I believe.  We do have sleet, though.  Is it sleet?  Weather issues aside, at least she’s happy.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom.
Where did you think you were going to wake up?

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
Blah blah blah...Talking about their clothes.  Don’t Hogwarts students have to wear uniforms?

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
No, goddamnit, NO.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
I...I have the sudden urge to destroy all my Good
Charlotte CDs.

...Wait...What’s Good
Charlotte doing in Hogsmede?


I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
After a lovely description of her outfit, we get...This.  There was nothing there to make her depressed!  I do like how she calmly sat and read a book while she patiently waited for the bleeding to stop.  I found that part quite amusing.

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
Brb, dying.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
So her face is blonde?  Interesting.  I’ll have to inform Disney of these recent discoveries.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….


It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!
0_0  His thingie?  Your you-know-what?  Christ on a tricycle, this girl has sworn more in 4 short chapters than I do in four days and she’s reverting to five year old terms for genitalia?

Although I did get a kick out of Dumbledore screaming “MOTHERFUKERS!”

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me.
Emo Gothic tears...Of blood.  I like how Draco “Asswipe” Malfoy is suddenly the perfect little boyfriend.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”
Dumbledore:  >8(  No.
McGonagall: >:(  No.
Snape:  |:3 Lol, ok.

I spray-painted my hair with purple.
orly?  Are you sure you didn’t use purple dye?

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.
I know count Chocula is a vampire and all, but I can’t help but think that the cereal was not intended to be eaten with blood.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.
One sentence, so many sporking possibilities.  Let’s count the ways!

1) No scar = No Harry Potter
2) Boy George doesn’t even wear that much eyeliner
3) Red contact lenses must mean he’s an Itachi wannabe.
4) Manly stubble is manly.
5) He looks like Joel Madden...Could he possibly be Joel Madden?
6) "Sexy English accent"...WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  JAPAN?
7) Girlrection...Um...How much do you ACTUALLY know about the human body?  I won’t delve too deep into anatomy, but it is technically possible.
     (After this, Harry introduced himself as “Vampire” and said that he liked human blood and Ebony confessed that she was a real vapire and...Ugh.)

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).
Oh...Sweetie, Mary-Sues come in more than two flavors.  (I’m guessing that someone called Ebony a Mary-Sue in a review)

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)
Survey says:  YES.  Passive frenching FTW.

(Also...A leather bra?  THAT sounds comfortable...)

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”
RIGHT.  BECAUSE ALL GAY PEOPLE HAVE AIDS.  (I’ll admit that this one struck a personal chord with me.  AIDs is a medical condition, not an insult.)

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)
...POV change?  And she makes it sound like Harry was dating her...Which he wasn’t...I think.

I ran out of the room and into the
ForbiddenForest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.
Virility: (n) the state of being male, having male characteristics, or male sexual potency.

Just thought I’d put that one out there.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!
Apparently black is supposed to automatically equal gothic.  Bad Voldy, how dare you throw off her curve like that?  (When has Voldemort ever ridden a broom anyway?)

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.
Crookshanks is a spell now, hmm?

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”
I...I just...I’m sorry, I’m too busy laughing to spork this piece.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.
Okay, I’m calm now.  But seriously, guys...When did Voldemort start talking like Shakespeare?

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.
Killing vampires with steak?  Awesome.  I’ll go fire up the grill.  While I’m doing that, why do you go ahead and image that band of hers. 

There’s a total of 44 short chapters, I believe, and I was only able to spork the first 10.  Unfortunately, I was having breathing difficulties from laughing too hard to go any further.
  I pass the badfic torch on to anyone that wants to spork chapters 11 and beyond.

P.S. I know we're not supposed to rag on the author themselves, but the profile is good for a laugh as well

5th-Oct-2008 05:56 am (UTC)
You know it's a famous troll, right? XD
5th-Oct-2008 06:04 am (UTC)
I figured as much, but I thought it was still spork-worthy.

I know that The Pit is...well, The Pit, but why can't trolls just go the hell back to 4chan? Some people actually want to read real fanfiction from time to time...

Creativity points to this troll, though. S/he managed to personally insult every single Goth I showed this to, including the one that walked around wearing vampire fangs for three months straight.
5th-Oct-2008 06:06 am (UTC)
Is...is she for real? Please tell me it's a troll. Please! ...Please!?

Also, this: [...] red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose [...]
Department of Redundancy Department, much?
5th-Oct-2008 06:11 am (UTC)
I was fairly certain it was a troll, and ceasefire confirmed it for me. So rest assured...It's a troll, and the universe is slightly less stupid than I thought it was.
5th-Oct-2008 06:12 am (UTC)
Ahhh memories. It's an oldie but a badie.
5th-Oct-2008 06:14 am (UTC)
He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.

Of? How can one take "of" a top... or clothes or bras.
5th-Oct-2008 06:15 am (UTC)
WOW!!! This one was so bad that this famous troll's fic was posted here.. twice (or more?)? |D man, that is bad! ouch~
5th-Oct-2008 06:24 am (UTC)
Oops! It's been posted before? I didn't notice it when I looked back...
5th-Oct-2008 06:29 am (UTC)
Thanks, I'll be sure to check that out as soon as I finish lynching a few more trolls.
5th-Oct-2008 06:23 am (UTC)
Best. Troll. Ever.

5th-Oct-2008 06:27 am (UTC)
You've obviously never been to my school. My pals actually do better than this on a daily basis. The teachers hate them...A lot.
5th-Oct-2008 06:25 am (UTC)
Well, this was better written than when I last checked this out? Spellcheck finally worked for her?
5th-Oct-2008 06:28 am (UTC)
Maybe s/he wanted to be a (semi)literate troll.
5th-Oct-2008 06:40 am (UTC)
This is SO SO SO bad, I'm glad it's by a troll. Otherwise, I just might have cried.
5th-Oct-2008 06:52 am (UTC)
Sadly, I cried after ceasefire confirmed my suspicions that it was a troll. Badfics annoy me, but they're still acceptable as the creative expression of someone that happens to be particularly stupid. Trolls just bring out the worst in humanity. T_T

Fact: I also cried when my horoscope suggested that I "anonymously play devil's advocate in an internet forum post about a controversial issue."

...You know the world sucks when fucking astrology tells you to be a troll.
5th-Oct-2008 06:41 am (UTC)
Not only is it a troll, but this has been posted at least three times now. The author should be proud.
5th-Oct-2008 06:45 am (UTC)
Aww, now I feel really bad about re-posting this. )= I hate to beat a dead horse and all, but I just didn't notice it when I went through the Harry Potter section...
5th-Oct-2008 06:44 am (UTC) - SENSEIIII!!! I have a question!!!!
5th-Oct-2008 06:44 am (UTC) - Re: SENSEIIII!!! I have a question!!!!
Nevermind... it's a troll. But then, I never underestimate the stupidity of news. v_v
5th-Oct-2008 07:02 am (UTC)
This is why I was scared to read the troll. I remember getting past the name and description before my Sue shudder sense couldn't take any more.

Though isn't it obvious that Voldy would speak Shakespeare? He's well read and all that jazz.

Nice spork btw.
5th-Oct-2008 07:07 am (UTC)
I started out thinking it was a normal fic, but it rapidly got more trollish as the fic went on. Unfortunately, my Sue-Senses broke quite a while ago when I was looking for Power Rangers fanfiction. Pro tip: Power Rangers fanfiction is dangerous.

I always imagined Voldemort talking a bit more like Hugh Laurie in Black Adder. You know, ridiculous and funny.
5th-Oct-2008 07:29 am (UTC)
God. I've seen this fic mst-ed and sporked more than once... never fails to be funny, though.

I know ED has a page for this...
(Deleted comment)
5th-Oct-2008 05:49 pm (UTC)
I KNEW it seemed familiar. I read that article a while back and then promptly forgot the fic ever existed. Durr. Go me, way to fail your search for trolls check.
5th-Oct-2008 08:27 am (UTC)
Oh thank GOD its a troll or else I would have shot myself in the head
5th-Oct-2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
Even after realizing it was a troll, I felt like shooting myself in the head. -_-
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