When I saw Tarantino's new film Inglourious Basterds on the day of its release, I have to say, I loved it. I wondered just where Christoph Waltz had been hiding all these years (later finding out that he's been hiding out in German-speaking TV-land). It didn't occur to me until recently that Landa was just such a great villain that every girl who'd seen the film were going to start fangirling over him. I guess I didn't think it was possible. Browsing through FanFiction.net, I saw that Inglourious Basterds now had a new section on the website and with that morbid curiosity we all seem to share I clicked the link... and found two mediocre fics about Lt. Aldo Raine. The next day, those fics had multiplied and the result was two fics that read in their summaries 'Landa/OC'. I literally screamed.
Today, I began reading the weirdest one - The Country Road, which is about an OC named Ada Von Braun who happens to be a Nazi supporter.
The disclaimer is not promising. It reads:
He needs someone to love even though he's a bad guy. Enough said.
Erm... I saw this film; Landa only cares about himself. I don't think a woman is going to change that, no matter how helpless she is. I mean, it's not like he wanted to marry Shosanna or anything...
Blood was tangled in my hair turning it dark and red as opposed to it’s natural shade of light brown. Is it just me or is that some really weird wording? 'Tangled'? Like strings of blood? Some of the blood was my own; some of it belonged to others. My eyes felt tired and only remained half open during my trek down the sun-beaten country road. Sweat gathered along my jaw line and upon my chest which at the time was more exposed than to my liking.
I like that instead of being traumatised about her predicament here, she's worried about her by-now glistening chest being exposed to a lonely country road.
The blood and dirt was also splattered down my legs. Some of the blood dried in a stream on my inner thighs, having flown from a more private disclosure.
Once again, it is just me or does the wording here look really awkward? And am I the only one imagining giant red flying blood cells? Like... in a plane?
Then she talks about a gang of Jews (not the Basterds) capturing her, beating her, raping her, keeping her prisoner and feeding her scraps. =/
I had been walking now for three days and the French countryside remained wild and uncivilized.
And again, instead of feeling scared and hopeless about what happened to her she's more concerned about the "wild and uncivilised" countryside.
But now I want revenge. I want to get those bastards back for what they did to me. I wanted them dead before they could find me again. They said they would.
So... your Jewish kidnappers let you go... so they could find you again? Are you sure they didn't just want to play hide-and-seek?
Then some Nazi military vehicles come into view. She gets excited that there might be some hope.
What if they didn’t realize I was a fellow German?
...Well, if you're walking around in a bloody mess alone in the French countryside for some bizarre reason they might think you're French. But they also might want to know what the fuck happened to you.
Then the next chapter opens with this delightful disclaimer:
If you are offended or angry, then I’ve done my job by provoking something.
Unless you're a troll, that is not the reaction you're looking for when you write. Making people think, sure. Shocking is passable. But to go out of your way to offend people? No.
Being that it is fanfiction I could really care less of whether I have a MarySue or not but the characters have not met yet so we shall see.
But the point is that everyone else does care, because it is overdone and they are annoying. And you should care, too. Because having a Mary Sue as a character shows us how awful a writer you actually are.
I had to make them stop. But how? I thought about lying in the middle of the road but they would probably just consider me dead and run right over me. I’d seen them do it before, even knowing that those they ran over were still alive. Scratch that idea.
Or you could, you know, stand in the middle of the road and scream for help in German. They just might understand that.
I knew I had to think of something fast. I quickly unbuttoned what was left of my dress WUT? and stood in the middle of the street. As they approached, I open my dress wide to reveal what had been etched into my stomach. They never told me what it said and I couldn’t see to read it but it was all I had.
'They' here refers to the Jews. At first when I was reading it, I thought she meant the Nazis. Also, for all she knew, what they'd written was 'Whore for sale' or 'Steve was here'. And this is such a stupid plot device. Instead of just having her scream for help, have a sign written into her body forever.
The cars stop and Landa steps out. We're not told it's Landa yet but it's kind of obvious.
He regarded me temporarily then signaled for the other officers to come forward and look.
“Colonel Hans Landa,” he said. “But then you should know that since it is written on your stomach.”
Landa smiles calmly and introduces himself to the lady in obvious need of help, and then lets the reader know that she actually has his freaking name written across her body. Why? Would a gang member really go to the trouble of beating a woman, raping her and then tagging her with someone else's name? Or maybe she was a Post-It note. Like so:
Gang member 1 - Who did you say was our next target?
Gang member 2 - Oh, I think I wrote it on her *points*
Gang member 1 - Oh yeah, Landa, that's right...
EDIT: Chapter Three has been published and the scar says "Col. Landa's Whore". Now, why doesn't it say "Hitler's Whore"? This is still a stupid plot device.
“Let me guess,” he continued. “You were taken by a group of Americans that call themselves the ‘Inglourious Basterds’ and they let you go like this so you could spread fear into the hearts of all Nazi soldiers.” I scrunched my forehead in further confusion as he went on to say, “And they carved my name into your stomach so that would ensure that you were taken to me. Am I correct so far?”
He turns out to be wrong, thankfully, but he seems to be... stupid here. Landa's a lot smarter than this; why would he ask if it had been them? I mean, it's nothing like what they do - ambush soldiers, kill all but one, scalp the dead ones and leave a swastika on the forehead of the survivor. Where in the film do they beat and rape women and then tag them with an enemy soldier's name? Did I miss something?
Then she gets 'escorted' into the car beside Landa and that's the end of that for now. Ugh.
Now, the reviews (three out of the four) say that this has been handled badly and the author would need to be very very careful and clever to avoid it being downright dreadful, but herself and her one positive reviewer have taken the (mostly) constructive criticism as a personal insult, which doesn't give me hope for the rest of the story.